A Whole 'Nutha' Level

A friend of mine and I have a running joke about the word 'another.' She insists that when something is really bad it warrants the phrase 'a whole nutha' as opposed to 'another whole' or 'a whole other.' When I told her that I took my morning to a whole new level of ridiculousness on Wednesday she corrected me with this text:

Normally, I'm the grammar queen. While I try not to be rude and correct you to your face, I'll be thinking about it in my head. But, after the morning I had, I think Erika might just be right. I didn't just bring my morning to another whole level or a whole other level. It was a whole nutha level of chaos.

It all started Monday night. I fell asleep from 9-10:30, then couldn't sleep anymore. As I was about to doze off at 2 am, Charlotte woke up. She had apparently received an invitation for a party in my bed that I was hosting. She was WIDE AWAKE and asking for snacks and chocolate milk. Thinking it might shut her up, I obliged. What kind of hostess would I be otherwise? Unfortunately, every time I started to doze off, some other fool needed something from me. The dog had to go out. The cat had to go out. The guinea pig was squeaking. (When was the last time you threw carrots at something at 4 am?) It was insanity. Right around 5:30 (when my alarm went off), Charlotte fell asleep. I figured out that I got about 3 hours of non-consecutive sleep. 

Which brought me into Tuesday. When I had to be at work until 7:30 pm. There's nothing like looking at student data for 3 1/2 hours when you haven't slept. Needless to say, I was a little tired Tuesday night. I knew I had a lot to do, but I just didn't have it in me. So, I set the alarm for 4 am and called it a night. I figured that would give me plenty of time to do all the things I should've done Tuesday night. Since I am a big fan of the snooze button, I set two alarms on my phone and one on my alarm clock. 

Color me surprised when I rolled over and looked at the clock on my table. I must've been exhausted because I have no recollection of a single alarm going off. Not one of the three. I vaguely remember screaming: "IT'S 6:40!!" This is a cause for panic because we leave the house at 7:15, PJ usually leaves at 6:20, and my mom comes to babysit anywhere between 6:45 and 7 am. And I still hadn't accomplished a single task!

I now found myself faced with the prospect of finding clothes for myself and five kids, packing lunches, getting everyone dressed and fed, dealing with the pets, and getting out the door in 35 minutes. Not only that, but I usually try to tidy up the disaster house before my mom arrives. And, did I mention that it was Crazy Hat Day at the kids' school and we hadn't decorated the hats yet? This is when you should laugh. Because I did. Otherwise I might cry. So I laughed. There was a little edge of hysteria there, but I laughed nonetheless.

PJ dashed out of the house as fast as he could. The kids did a lot of helping like letting the dog out and feeding the pets. I'm pretty sure one of the girls got Sean dressed. My mom helped with hair brushing, face washing, and shoe tying. (And by the time I got home, she had tackled the embarrassingly huge pile of dishes in the sink.) I found clothes (miraculous) and packed lunches and got everyone in the car right on time. Which is where we decorated crazy hats. The kids were in the backseat sticking foam letters to their hats while I did puffy paint at red lights. It was completely psychotic.

I don't text and drive, but they never said anything about puffy paint.

Patrick kept tipping his hat and saying, "Good morrow," like someone from a Dickens novel.

Lucy was my backseat decorator. She did a lot of helping (especially since I was driving).

And yes, Sophie's eyebrows are a little green. She had her face painted at dinner and we didn't quite get it all off in the chaos.

That's a bunny in Sean's lap. He wanted take it out of his hat at school.

So, I guess I have to agree with Erika on this one. I took my morning to a whole nutha level of craziness. I'm hoping for an utterly boring week next week. Although, if that were the case, I'd have nothing to blog about. And all of you organized people out there wouldn't be able to read this so smugly like you are. So, you're welcome. 

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Tuesday's Tips (#29)

Here's a tip for you:

Know your own strength.

I was trying to crack a hard-boiled egg in my car (because it's totally normal to do that). I was at a red light, too, so don't go starting a campaign for laws against egg-cracking while driving. I tapped the egg gently on my center console. Nothing. I tapped it even harder. I tapped it harder still. Not even a crack. 

So, now I find myself sitting at a red light staring at this bionic egg that won't crack and wonder if someone is playing a prank on me. I held the egg in my hand and squeezed it. 

And that's when it exploded. Serves me right for eating my hastily prepared, Whole 30 approved breakfast in the car.

Have a tip to share? Or some portable breakfast ideas? Feel free to leave a comment below...

...& be sure to check back every Tuesday for a new tip!

Tuesday's Tip (#28)

Here's a tip for you:

Spread the Christmas cheer.

Especially on some random day in January. Do something unexpected. Like bring a Christmas tree to work. Under your car.

This morning, I was rushing to work for an early meeting. On my way, I came to an intersection where the sun was in my eyes and the glare on my windshield was making it impossible to see straight ahead. Luckily, I was taking a left. I checked to make sure there were no cars coming from either direction and took my left. I felt a little bump like I might have hit a small pothole or something, but nothing seemed out of the ordinary. Then, I noticed a sound coming from under the car. I pulled over and walked around the car, but didn't see anything. I bent down and took a quick peek under the car. That's when I saw a small Christmas tree lodged underneath. 

At this point, I didn't even have time to get down on all fours and address my new Christmas decorating issue. So, I jumped back in the car and hoped the tree would conveniently dislodge itself along the way. It did not. 

Eventually, I made it to work. I had one panicked moment along the way when my car started to smell like Christmas and I fervently hoped I hadn't ignited the tree. When I got to my parking lot, I got down on my hands & knees and pulled out my tiny tree. Wasn't that nice of me to decorate the employee parking lot on this lovely January day?

Merry Christmas, bitches.

Have a tip to share? Or some post-Christmas decorating tips? Feel free to leave a comment below...

...& be sure to check back every Tuesday for a new tip!

Tuesday's Tip #6

Here's a tip for you:

Crank the tunes.

Our kids are actually really great in the car. It's why we like road trips so much. Every now and then, though, they get a little antsy. And sometimes, they just start losing their shit. This one's crying, that one hit the other one, someone wants a toy.... all hell breaks loose.

This is the ideal time for a sing along. Right when you're at the point of yelling, "I'll pull this car over!" is when you turn up the radio. Loud. None of that Wiggles crap, either. Blast something totally obnoxious from your favorite station. Preferably the kind of song that gets over-played every five minutes.

My kids are just like me. They know every word to every song on the radio. Even songs that I'm certain they've never heard before. Blast those tunes and the whole car is instantly united in song. I can only imagine what the people at the red lights next to us think. Especially now, when the weather is nice and the windows are down. There's nothing funnier than watching my car full of brats suddenly laughing, singing, and dancing.

So, if you're at a red light next to a giant car full of a bunch of singing kids, it's not the Partridge Family. It's just me, trying to make it to our destination without having to turn that car around!

Have a tip to share? Or some earmuffs? Feel free to leave a comment below...

... & be sure to check back every Tuesday for a new tip!