Tuesday's Tip (#43)

Here's a tip for you:

Lock the dog door.

Otherwise, you may wake up early and decide to walk through your living room and narrowly avoid stepping on the carcass of a murdered possum. Because, of course. Why wouldn't my dog go out in the middle of the night and kill a possum to bring back for me as a gift? Silver lining: I'd rather have a dead possum than a live one in my living room. 

P.S.

Be glad I decided to draw the line at what is Instagram-worthy. No corpses. 

Tuesday's Tip (#42)

Here's a tip for you:

Deny.

Mentally, I'm going to be at the beach today. I still can't believe summer is over. My kids don't go back to school until next week, but I've got a full week of professional development this week. Wasn't it just June 25th?? How is this possible? So, I'm in denial. I'm going to participate. I'm going to learn. But a little part of my brain is going to have her ass planted in the sand with an ice cold beer in hand. Changing my desktop background to this:

BEACH!

Maybe next week, I'll embrace this inevitable time of year and get a pumpkin spice latte. Until then, I'll be pretending to work on my tan. 

Have a tip to share? Or some imaginary sunscreen? Feel free to leave a comment below...

...& be sure to check back every Tuesday for a new tip!

Tuesday's Tip (#41)

Here's a tip for you:

Preview your playlists.

A couple of weeks ago, Sean had a play-date with one of his little friends. I don't know the parents all that well, so, when they came to pick up their son, I invited them in. I had the speaker out on the deck and it was hooked up to my phone playing some random "Top 25" playlist from Beats Music. Basically, it's just the top 25 pop songs for the week. It didn't even occur to me that there would be a song on there that had questionable lyrics (or that these aren't the "radio edits"). 

So, there I was chatting politely - and totally tuning out the music that is on the radio - when PJ started making crazy eyes at me. I assumed he was trying to tell me I had food on my face or something when he kept looking at me urgently with those crazy eyes.

I seriously wasn't getting the message. He just kept looking like this and I kept wiping at my face like I must be covered in something. (Thanks, Crazy Eyes, for helping me illustrate my point. OITNB)

I just wasn't getting his hints when my friend, Dawn, saved me with, "Wow. That's quite a song." Up until that point, I wasn't even focused on what was playing. And then I heard it. Not just a few bad words, but really explicit rapping all about what some nice young gentleman would really like to do to some fine young lady. I flew into the kitchen to grab my phone and skip to the next track and prayed these poor parents weren't listening too well. 

So, the next time you're having company (especially people you barely know), preview your playlist. Unless you like to make a first impression with sexually explicit lyrics. Then, just hit shuffle and see what happens.

Have a tip to share? Or a Wiggles CD? Feel free to leave a comment below...

...& be sure to check back every Tuesday for a new tip!

Tuesday's Tip (#40)

Here's a tip for you:

Dress for the weather.

I don't mean wear a raincoat if it's raining or mittens if it's cold. I mean don't wear a cute skirt that is going to blow up over your head Marilyn Monroe-style when you're going on a (windy) harbor cruise. If not for my nude spanx, all of the folks on the second deck would've had quite a show. Although, seeing as the spanx are nude, they might think they got some kind of weird "I've got the anatomy of a Barbie doll" show. I literally needed a team of people to get back down the stairs and prevent a major wardrobe malfunction. 

So, learn from my mistakes. Harbor cruises = pants, shorts, and clingy things that can't possibly move. Unless you like that Marilyn Monroe look. 

I can promise you that I didn't look even remotely this cute trying not to flash the entire conference on the boat.

Have a tip to share? Or a pair of shorts? Feel free to leave a comment below...

...& be sure to check back every Tuesday for a new tip!

Tuesday's Tip (#39)

Here's a tip for you:

Don't get a dog. 

If you get a dog, he might be tall enough to reach all of the counters in your kitchen. If he can reach all the counters, he might help himself to the fruit bowl. Unfortunately, after he helps himself to some fruit, he'll refuse to use the trash can. This is when you'll find yourself walking in the dark at 5 am and LITERALLY slip on a banana peel. Don't slip on a banana peel. 

My life is a cartoon. Not only that, but I went back to bed with a cup of coffee only to find the dog sleeping with his head on my pillow. 

Bad dog

Have a tip to share? Or the number for a dog trainer? Feel free to leave a comment below...

...& be sure to check back every Tuesday for a new tip!

Tuesday's Tip (#38)

Here's a tip for you:

Don't switch jackets.

Don't grab your other coat when you leave for work tomorrow. If you do that, you might get all the way to your kids' school (which isn't remotely close to where you live) and realize that you can't grab the coffee and gas (fuel & fuel) that you need because you left your debit card in your other jacket. Then you will be forced to rush all the way back to where you started your morning (over an hour ago) to grab that damn debit card and you may end up cheering the fact that you were only 5 minutes late after getting coffee and gas (fuel & fuel).

Sometimes, I make my life much harder than it needs to be. Please, learn from my mistakes.

Have a tip to share? Or a solution for my forgetfulness? Feel free to leave a comment below...

...& be sure to check back every Tuesday for a new tip!

Tuesday's Tip (#37)

Here's a tip for you:

Turn the music up. Loud.

Sometimes my job entails dealing with children who spend a good portion of their day with very little self-control. This makes coming home to a house full of children a little challenging. Oddly enough, my solution is to this problem is to cook dinner. When I cook, I kick everyone out of the kitchen and turn up the stereo. Loud. It drowns out whatever fun (or fights) my kids might be having. It also gives me a half hour without kids. Just long enough to decompress from work and be able to actually appreciate them, again. 

I've talked about our own little brand of music therapy before. It works. It's my little bit of "me" time. And, if the kids aren't getting along (or they're acting completely insane), it doesn't even matter. My stereo is great - I can't hear a thing they're doing.

Have a tip to share? Or great song I should listen to while I'm blasting my music? Feel free to leave a comment below...

...& be sure to check back every Tuesday for a new tip!

Tuesday's Tip (#36)

Here's a tip for you:

Change your name to Mary. Or Joe.

My name is Lissie. It's not hard to say. It rhymes with Missy. For some reason though, whenever I go to Starbucks, they really struggle with it. It's not like I'm asking for an Americano for Regina Phalange. I don't think my name is too unusual, but I can understand the confusion with "Lizzie."

(Not my name, but understandable and acceptable.)

I can also understand spelling it with a "y."

(Okay...not quite what I was thinking.)

Lately, though, they're not even close. I don't think I mumble. And I'm fairly certain that I e-nun-ci-ate.

Last week I had "Liney" and "Lieu." The same woman waits on me every day. She's very nice and wonderfully efficient. But, every day I say "Lissie." Then, repeats it back to me. I say the "S" and she repeats the "S." Does she just struggle with writing the "S"?

(Leei? How do I even pronounce that?)

(Lize rhymes with lies? I kind of like that. Say it slowly. It sounds fancy. "There goes Lize with her Venti Americano...")

So, I'm just going to change my name. Tomorrow, I'll have a Venti Americano for Bob. They can't possibly go wrong with that.

Have a tip to share? Or an unusual name? Feel free to leave a comment below...

...& be sure to check back every Tuesday for a new tip!

Tuesday's Tip (#35)

Here's a tip for you:

Don't try too hard.

I just told the kids when they got up that we were going to the zoo today. I thought they'd be pretty excited that we had plans for the day. I was met with, "Meh," "No," and "Can't we just stay home?" And when I said that we were still going, Sophie informed me that she's just staying home with the dog.

Seriously, fools? By 11 am you'll all be bored and asking me what there is to do. I'm no dummy. And this isn't a democracy. The tyrant mom has spoken.

I'm going to wear you people out at the zoo whether you like it or not and then you can lounge around the house all afternoon. 

Wish me luck.

Have a tip to share? Or some sense to knock into my kids? Feel free to leave a comment below...

...& be sure to check back every Tuesday for a new tip!

Tuesday's Tip (#34)

Here's a tip for you:

Keep the remote. 

Do not let your children have the TV remote. If possible, don't ever teach them how to operate it. (Although, in this day & age, I'm pretty sure kids learn the ability to operate all electronics in utero.) Otherwise, these little creatures will invade your bedroom and turn on "kid TV." Then, they will leave the room. It will take you and your husband 15 minutes before you realize the children have left the room and you two are staring at some nonsense like this:

No, you're not tripping. Those animals are wearing hats. They're also talking, but I wanted to save you from the trauma of witnessing that. You're welcome.

Just don't say I didn't warn you. 

Have a tip to share? Or a suggestion for some more mature television? Feel free to leave a comment below...

...& be sure to check back every Tuesday for a new tip!

Tuesday's Tip (#33)

Here's a tip for you:

Buy some birthday candles.

I bake cakes ALL the time. Most of them are hired jobs, but, you would think that a lady who bakes at least one cake a weekend would have birthday candles in the house, right? I mean, come on. I have five kids. Someone is always having a birthday. Alas, I never remember birthday candles. Which is why my eight year old is blowing out a tea light on her cake. Happy birthday from the cake lady who can't be bothered with more details.



Have a tip to share? Or a pack of birthday candles? Feel free to leave a comment below...

...& be sure to check back every Tuesday for a new tip!

Tuesday's Tip (#32)

Here's a tip for you:

Stop watching Law & Order SVU (or get a chiropractor).

I went for a run a little after it got dark last night. I then spent 30 minutes running and flipping my head back and forth like a lunatic because I was fairly certain that some creep would be sneaking up behind me at any second. It's really not good for my neck. Clearly, I watch too many crime dramas. I was avoiding dark bushes and giving parked cars a wide berth. Hey, at least if I ever get attacked, it won't come as a surprise. Just pray for the poor innocent bystander who tries to share a sidewalk with me. They're going down. (Sorry, old lady.)

And don't make fun of my new rainbow shoes - they rock.

Have a tip to share? Or some pepper spray? Feel free to leave a comment below...

...& be sure to check back every Tuesday for a new tip!

Tuesday's Tips (#31)

Here's a tip for you:

Never pay more than $5 for your sunglasses.

That way, when you sit your fat ass on them in the car, you won't cry about how quickly you snapped those little ear pieces off.

Have a tip to share? Or some new glasses for me? Feel free to leave a comment below...

...& be sure to check back every Tuesday for a new tip!

Tuesday's Tips (#30)

Here's a tip for you: 

Get out of my way.

No, seriously. I'm talking to you, lady in the drop off lane who's having a freakin' conversation with another mom. The drop off lane is aptly named. You are supposed to pull up and drop your kids off. You are not supposed to get out, let each kid out of the car one by one, fix their hats, give them a little kiss, put on their backpacks, stop to have a little chat with another mom, pull another kid out of your car and take your sweet ass time watching your kids go into the building. I just sat behind you, trapped in the drop off lane, and watched you tell a funny joke that involved a goofy dance. Meanwhile, I had managed to get 4 kids out of the car and into the school in less than 2 minutes. 

My favorite part is when you finally made eye contact with me and did a little shrug, said, "Oh sorry," and sauntered into your car. I get it. You think you're cute and everything you do is cute. Well, go be cute in the parking lot. Park your car, take 10 minutes to drop off each kid, and you'll have plenty of time for funny jokes with the other moms. I left my house, flew to school, dropped off some of the kids, and now need to return home to meet the babysitter with the little one before I go to work. So just get out of my way. If you're not going to follow the rules of the drop off lane, go park your car. Because I'm feeling some serious road rage in the school parking lot. 

Have a tip to share? Or some road rage? Feel free to leave a comment below...

...& be sure to check back every Tuesday for a new tip!

Tuesday's Tips (#29)

Here's a tip for you:

Know your own strength.

I was trying to crack a hard-boiled egg in my car (because it's totally normal to do that). I was at a red light, too, so don't go starting a campaign for laws against egg-cracking while driving. I tapped the egg gently on my center console. Nothing. I tapped it even harder. I tapped it harder still. Not even a crack. 

So, now I find myself sitting at a red light staring at this bionic egg that won't crack and wonder if someone is playing a prank on me. I held the egg in my hand and squeezed it. 

And that's when it exploded. Serves me right for eating my hastily prepared, Whole 30 approved breakfast in the car.

Have a tip to share? Or some portable breakfast ideas? Feel free to leave a comment below...

...& be sure to check back every Tuesday for a new tip!

Tuesday's Tip (#28)

Here's a tip for you:

Spread the Christmas cheer.

Especially on some random day in January. Do something unexpected. Like bring a Christmas tree to work. Under your car.

This morning, I was rushing to work for an early meeting. On my way, I came to an intersection where the sun was in my eyes and the glare on my windshield was making it impossible to see straight ahead. Luckily, I was taking a left. I checked to make sure there were no cars coming from either direction and took my left. I felt a little bump like I might have hit a small pothole or something, but nothing seemed out of the ordinary. Then, I noticed a sound coming from under the car. I pulled over and walked around the car, but didn't see anything. I bent down and took a quick peek under the car. That's when I saw a small Christmas tree lodged underneath. 

At this point, I didn't even have time to get down on all fours and address my new Christmas decorating issue. So, I jumped back in the car and hoped the tree would conveniently dislodge itself along the way. It did not. 

Eventually, I made it to work. I had one panicked moment along the way when my car started to smell like Christmas and I fervently hoped I hadn't ignited the tree. When I got to my parking lot, I got down on my hands & knees and pulled out my tiny tree. Wasn't that nice of me to decorate the employee parking lot on this lovely January day?

Merry Christmas, bitches.

Have a tip to share? Or some post-Christmas decorating tips? Feel free to leave a comment below...

...& be sure to check back every Tuesday for a new tip!

Tuesday's Tip (#27)

Here's a tip for you:

Buy two coffees.

Because I work at a pilot school, we do more hours of professional development than the other public schools in the district.  Inevitably, I forget to add our long days to my calendar. Which means that I find myself sitting in a two hour meeting after school totally distracted by the fact that my body is slowly dying from caffeine withdrawal. 

Not today! Today, I had the foresight to buy not one, but two, coffees. One for the morning and one for my meeting. I'm going to be so productive!

 

Have a tip to share? Or some cash to add to my Dunkin Donuts card? Feel free to leave a comment below...

...& be sure to check back every Tuesday for a new tip!