Wardrobe Malfunction

I feel like it has been a while since I had a good wardrobe malfunction to report. Not to worry, friends. I'm up to my old tricks again.

Two weeks ago, I took a pair of jeans out of the closet that I hadn't worn in a while. (I'd gotten too big for them.) Imagine my joy when I realized that I could actually button them without feeling like I was doing damage to my internal organs! I buttoned them up (with no pain) & thought I looked pretty good. Until I got to work.

Before my first class, I went to the ladies' room. It wasn't until I pulled my pants down that I realized that I could actually see THROUGH the thighs of my jeans. Apparently, I'd put the jeans back in the closet with worn out thighs - Why? Why didn't I throw them out?? - and it had been so long, that I'd forgotten all about the holes. (It's a tough life when your thighs rub your jeans right out.) 

Luckily, I have good friends at work. How do you know if you have good friends? Here's one quick rule to measure by: Will your friends stand behind you and basically look right up your ass to make sure the holes in your pants don't show? No? Then you don't have very good friends. 

I managed to make it through the day without flashing my thighs at anyone. I also managed to throw those babies right into the trash when I got home. (Or, right onto the floor. Where they will end up in the laundry and hanging back in my closet for me to repeat the same mistake on another day. It's hard to keep track of these things.)

I'm pretty sure the whole "ripped jeans" look isn't meant to show you the floor when you have to pee.

Here's to making it through the week without any body parts busting out of their casings. 

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-->What about you? Have your clothes failed you lately? Feel free to share your story in the comments below...

Tuesday's Tip (#40)

Here's a tip for you:

Dress for the weather.

I don't mean wear a raincoat if it's raining or mittens if it's cold. I mean don't wear a cute skirt that is going to blow up over your head Marilyn Monroe-style when you're going on a (windy) harbor cruise. If not for my nude spanx, all of the folks on the second deck would've had quite a show. Although, seeing as the spanx are nude, they might think they got some kind of weird "I've got the anatomy of a Barbie doll" show. I literally needed a team of people to get back down the stairs and prevent a major wardrobe malfunction. 

So, learn from my mistakes. Harbor cruises = pants, shorts, and clingy things that can't possibly move. Unless you like that Marilyn Monroe look. 

I can promise you that I didn't look even remotely this cute trying not to flash the entire conference on the boat.

Have a tip to share? Or a pair of shorts? Feel free to leave a comment below...

...& be sure to check back every Tuesday for a new tip!

Tuesday's Tip (#9)

Here's a tip for you:

Choose your undergarments wisely.

I know, I know... I've talked about this before.

I found myself in a really precarious position today. I was squeezing myself between two of the computer carts in the technology closet at work so that I could reach for something. I grabbed hold of the projector I was reaching for and tried to get out of the closet. That's when I realized that I had managed to hook my thong - right through my skirt - on one of the hinges on the computer cart. 

So there I was, hanging by my underwear, terrified to move for fear of actually putting a hole in my skirt. I've already gone down that road and I knew I couldn't hide it with this outfit. To make matters worse, I didn't even have my phone handy to text my friend and ask her to rescue me from my own undies.

I did manage to wriggle free, but I've now realized that this event warranted a public service announcement. Don't wear a thong to work. You never know when you'll find yourself hanging by your underwear in a closet.

Have a tip to share? Or some granny panties? Feel free to leave a comment below...

... & be sure to check back every Tuesday for a new tip!

Tuesday's Tip (#5)

Here's a tip for you:

This one goes hand-in-hand with last week's tip - 

Wear camouflage.

I'm not talking about the stuff that would help you blend into the woods, either. I'm talking about busy prints and ugly florals that will help to hide the mess I make of myself every day.

Each day, I get myself dressed in clean, presentable clothes. Unfortunately, there is a correlation between how important the event that I am attending is and how much crap my kids can rub into my clothes. If I am wearing a clean shirt, someone will wipe their nose on it. If my pants are freshly laundered, someone will walk by with sticky {gah!} fingers and leave a nice print. In reality, I tend to be even more of a problem than the kids.

Take today, for example. This evening, there is an open house for new parents at my school. It's the kind of event where I feel compelled to look presentable. So, I put on a clean shirt and a printed skirt. Then I tried to make my lunch. As I squeezed the last of the mayonnaise onto my sandwich, it made that lovely farting sound that alerts you to the fact that it's time to add mayo to the grocery list. Accompanying that sound was the giant blob of mayonnaise that landed right on my skirt. Luckily for me, my skirt is patterned with black, white and red flowers. So, if I hadn't felt compelled to write this blog post, no one would even know that I'm covered in condiments. See how well these tips work? So, if you see me walking around in something best suited for upholstering an old lady's couch, it's just so I can protect myself from myself and the kids.

Have a tip to share? Or a stain stick? Feel free to leave a comment below...

... & be sure to check back every Tuesday for a new tip!

Tuesday's Tip (#4)

Here's a tip for you:

Look in a mirror - often.

It's always good to know when you're a wreck. Maybe it's because I'm naturally a hot mess or maybe it's because I have 87 5 kids, but I have a clothing calamity at least once a week.

Case in point: today I reached down by my side and thought to myself, "Wow. This skirt has pockets? Awesome!" But, no. This skirt does not have pockets. It has a giant hole in the side right on my hip. I have no idea how or when it happened. I'm very clumsy by nature. Maybe I ran into something and tore it this morning. Maybe I'm just that much of a disaster and put on a skirt with a hole when I got dressed. There's really no telling. I'm just relieved for everyone I need to face today that it actually has a lining. Other than that, my students would have been seeing a whole new side of Ms. M today.

Have a tip to share? Or a safety pin? Feel free to leave a comment below...

... & be sure to check back every Tuesday for a new tip!