A New One

Just about two years ago (wow!), I started this blog with my very first post about my least favorite question: Are they all yours?

In that post, I discussed the fact that the question itself isn't offensive, but the tone with which it is delivered usually is. Luckily, the general masses never cease to surprise me with their idiocy or rudeness. At least once a week someone queries about my giant brood of children. I'm not sure why, but I always try to answer as politely as possible. Maybe I'm trying to set a good example for my children. Or maybe, I'm afraid if I bust out some snappy retort it will be laced with the built up profanity of years of fielding these inane questions. Here are some of my favorite and most frequent questions. I've also given my answers (with what I'd really like to say in parentheses).

Are they all yours? (Be sure to make crazy ugly faces while you say this.)
Yes, they're all mine. (Seriously, why in the world would I drag someone else's kids to BJ's for 87 rolls of toilet paper?)

Are there any twins in the bunch? (Meaning: There's no way you could have possibly meant to have kids less than two years apart.)
No, there are no twins in the bunch. (Did you want to see their birth certificates for confirmation?)

Wow. You must be busy. (There's usually some eyebrow waggling here. I'm not sure if they're offended by my number of kids or my sex life.)
Yes, I am busy. (Did you want to give me a hand? No? Okay, then shut up.)

Do you know where babies come from? (Hey, dummy, stop having unprotected sex.)
Um, I think so. (Did you want me to discuss the how and when of each conception? Or do you really want me to start telling you my five birth stories? I'd be happy to go into graphic detail you f'ing moron. Because, much to my surprise, there was no freaking stork involved.)

Better you than me.
Indeed. (Seriously, no shit.)

The other day, though, I got a new question. I haven't had a new one in a while, so it was a real treat.

The kids and I were walking in the arboretum. We were on our way to the top of the big hill. Everyone was getting a little tired, but behaving wonderfully. (I swear, these people never question me on those occasions when someone is acting up. It's when the kids are bordering on perfect angels that some ass feels compelled to approach me. Illogical.) It was such a nice way to enjoy nature and get a some exercise at the same time. As we were heading up the hill, a young woman, maybe in her late 20s or early 30s, was walking her dog down the hill. She stopped to let Charlotte (who was bringing up the rear of our little hike) pet her tiny dog. Charlotte thanked her for stopping when, out of the blue, the woman looked at me and said, "How do you do it with all of these kids? JEEEEESUS!" I wish there were a proper font to convey how she said "Jesus" to me. It was drawn-out and ugly. She was clearly deeply offended. Luckily, the rude responses never occur to me until later because all I said was, "Well, it's always interesting."

I wish I'd asked her how she does it with that ugly face and attitude. Or why she has to be such an asshole while she shouts "JEEESUS" in front of my little Catholic school kids. I just turned to Patrick and said, "Well, that was a new one." Even at the age of 9 he's well aware that we draw a lot of attention. (He was, after all, the one who pointed out the lady who kept counting the kids in spanish a few years ago. Yes, lady, cinco. Tengo cinco niños.)

Anyway... here we go. It's the summer, so I'll be spending most of my time out in public with my 87 5 kids. Be sure to point and stare. Apparently, we're quite a spectacle. Just be careful what you say. I'm sure to run out of polite responses soon.

Yes, there are indeed 5 of them. And a dog. JEEEEESUS!

PS
Thanks to my Twitter and Facebook peeps for arming me with an arsenal of comical and sarcastic responses to the morons who question me. I'm going to put them on little notecards so I can have them for handy reference the next time some fool approaches.

HEY! If you enjoy the blog, why not become a follower? I'm the one who's getting tired of being polite. You can also stalk find me on Facebook and Twitter. Like the page and follow me!

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Have a good story to share about an obnoxious stranger? Feel free to share in the comments!

It's all about the tone...

I have five children.  And before you ask, yes, they are all mine.


"Are they all yours?"


I get asked this question at least once every time I go out in public with the kids.  In and of itself the question is not offensive.  It's all about the tone in which it is asked.  Some people say it with a tone of amazement.  The underlying message is: wow, that crazy girl has 5 kids and they're all close in age!  Others seem rather impressed that I am out by myself and they're not running wild.  More often than not, however, the tone clearly conveys the horror of the interrogator.  "Are they all yours?" is asked while turning down the corners of the mouth and making a face that looks like you just smelled sour milk.


I'm not sure why these people feel so bothered.  My kids behave in public (what they do at home is another story).  I watch them, I feed them, I pay for them, and I even bathe them occasionally.


I've discovered that when you have one child, everyone wants to know when you'll have another.  I'm sure people who have an only child get peppered with questions about a future sibling all the time.  Once you pass the respectable two children, all bets are off.  I had my third child and people were a little surprised.  Although, some suggested I should "even it out."  When I had my fourth, some were a little dumbfounded, but they liked that I now had 2 boys and 2 girls.  Then... I went for number 5.  Now people watch me like a ticking time bomb because they're sure the arrival of the fifth child means I'm planning on having 20 and starting my own reality show.


My question is why? Why do people feel the need to approach a perfect stranger and give unsolicited opinions?  Sometimes, they're not even strangers.


The other day, I was at a memorial service.  A mother walked by me with a brand new baby in her arms.  I politely smiled at the little bundle she was carrying.  An acquaintance of the family, who barely knows me, walked up and said, "Don't even think about it.  You're done!"  Why?  Why does this person feel compelled to comment?  I didn't try to steal the woman's baby.  I didn't turn to my husband and tell him we need to go home and have another.  I merely smiled.  And, not for nothing, but this woman was a nun.  Is that a commandment or something?  Thou shalt give your opinions very obnoxiously in inappropriate settings.


Regardless, my husband and I chose to have a large family.  It's not as common nowadays, but it's not unheard of, either.  I'll continue to field the question.  Yes, they're all mine.  Who else in their right mind would take 5 kids to the grocery store if they didn't belong to them?