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X Games - Parenting Edition

The X Games are so named because they involve sports that are extreme in nature. For those of you who have spent any time dealing with kids, you know that some experiences can only be described as extreme. Forget about the Winter X Games and the Summer X Games - here are a few of my nominations for the Parenting X Games:

Bathroom Baby Dodging
This is a game of skill and will. The competitor must wait until they have a full bladder. As soon as the bladder is full to bursting, they must endeavor to run to the bathroom all while dodging tiny children. These children will be just the right height to take the competitor out at the knees. Points are deducted for knocking down the children. Bonus points if the competitor makes it to the bathroom without children in tow (and before peeing in their pants).

Diaper Dash
This event is not for the faint of heart (or stomach). Each competitor will be given a very cranky baby with a very dirty diaper. The goal is to beat the clock and change the diaper. It will be necessary to have at least six arms to hold down the squirming brat child and two more to genuinely clean them. Major point deductions if the shit actually hits the fan.

Sleeping Baby Death Crawl
This event can only take place after hours of rocking or bouncing a teething child to sleep. Once the child has been laid down to sleep, the competitor must tiptoe, crawl or otherwise get away from that baby without waking them. This event requires great skill and concentration as even a few hairs coming out of place on your head will awaken the screaming child. 

High Speed Highway Hurling
This exciting event has many extreme components. The games begin when your toddler announces from their car seat in the third row that they are about to get sick. The competitor (who may NOT be the driver) must then climb over every row of seats - while the car speeds down the highway - to try to catch as much vomit as possible. Bonus points if the competitor manages to find a plastic bag or napkin to help in the process. Double bonus points if the mess can get cleaned up at 60 miles per hour before the rest of the kids start gagging. Points to the driver if they can find the nearest establishment to purchase clean clothes for the puking child.

What about you? Do you have an event to add to the games? Leave it in the comments below...

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Nelly said...

Hysterical and absolutely accurate. Well done, Mama!

Lissie said...

Thanks, Nelly!