Christmas Wish List

Yes, yes, it's that time of year. Or it has been since the stores started selling candy canes in September. I don't usually ask for much at Christmas. I have 87 5 kids, after all, and it tends to revolve around them.

This year, I'm making a list. Just in case you want to get me a little something. Wink wink. Nudge nudge.

My Christmas List

• A little extra patience. I'm not sure which place sells this, but it's probably not Walmart or Target. Maybe BJ's has it in bulk?
• Five minutes to pee without anyone shouting to me through the bathroom door. Seriously. WTF, kids?
• OR, soundproof bathroom doors.
• Gift cards that I can't spend on my kids or use to pay bills. 
• OR, a winning Powerball ticket. Don't you know how many kids I have? These silly fools are expensive.
• A maid. 
• One night in a bed all by myself. NO visitors allowed. None.
• Three or four extra hours in a day to "get it all done." Yes, I am fully aware that none of this shit will be done until the kids move out. I can dream, can't I?
• An ounce of willpower to stop eating every holiday treat in sight. I'm just about to undo all of my hard work.
• A carpet for the floor of my car that magically repels chicken nuggets, chocolate milk and other kid detritus. I'm tired of PJ referring to the floor of the car as "the petri dish."
• A financial backer for my new business plan. Picture it: a mobile Dunkin Donuts truck that delivers coffee to desperate moms. I am speaking from personal experience here. There is nothing worse than being stuck at a playground with no caffeine. Or being at home with the kids and out of coffee. Come on, I'm onto something here!
• Leather chaps. That way, every time one of the munchkins in my house grabs me around the legs, I can just use a sponge to remove the evidence of dirty hands and faces. Plus, my wardrobe is really missing something. It must be chaps.
• A fairy godmother. Just because that would be awesome. And, if you all went in on one together, that would negate the rest of the list.

Okay. I've given you all a few ideas. Good luck with your shopping!

What's on your list this year? Leave a comment below...

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